There was a chill in the air. The kind of breeze that sends a shiver up your spine and makes you zip your jacket up a little higher. It was the first sign of winter. And the first snowfall would soon follow. There would be no more recess time outside. Instead, all of Mrs. Mobley's second grade class would be inside of the cafeteria for the entire 40 minute lunch period. The small steel town residents of Coatesville would soon be shoveling their cars out in the dark morning hours. Saving their parking spots with buckets, old lawn chairs, or flourescent cones.
But this particular October morning, a little girl stood alone outside of Benner Elementary. She was still considered the new kid at school. She knew the other children in her class, but they already had their best friends, their groups. She was just the girl who had transferred from the private Christian school down the street. Her clothes weren't particularly nice. In fact, they were kind of old. Hand-me-downs from her big sister who had just started the 8th grade at a nearby middle school.
The little girl was excited about starting public school. No more wearing long skirts and thick, itchy stockings as was customary at Grace Baptist Christian School. No more reading Bible stories out loud in front her class. Now, she was at public school! She could wear jeans-everyday if she wanted. There were so many more students at this school too. In her old class, their were only 9 kids. In Mrs. Mobley's class, there were 27 boys and girls. More kids to play with in gym class. More friends to hang out with at recess. What could be better?
Within the first month at Benner Elementary, the little girl was pulled out of class by the guidance counselor. It made the little girl nervous. She didn't like being singled out like that. She already stood out from her other classmates because she was new. And she didn't look like the rest of them either-with her kinky, curly hair, pale skin and glasses. She anxiously sat down in the counselor's office, and peered at the woman over the top of her pink frames.
"Am I in trouble?" the little girl asked.
The counselor smiled. "No, you're not in trouble, Dear. Actually, Mrs. Mobley tells me that you've been doing very well in class. She says you're always the first to finish your work. You turn in your homework and all the answers are right. And you read well beyond a second grade level. Are you ever bored in class?"
"Sometimes," the little girl answered. "But when I finish too fast, I just read a book I brought from home. Mrs. Mobley told me it was okay, though. I don't bother anybody else."
"What are some of your favorite books?"
"Well, I like Little House on the Prairie books. My mom bought me the whole set last Christmas. I like the Babysitter's Club and the Saddle Club. Those are my favorites."
"I think that's excellent. Mrs. Mobley thinks that you would be perfect for a special program we have here at Benner. It's called S.A.G.E. Student Acquired Gifted Education. You'll have to take some tests with me first before we can put you into this program. Would you be okay with taking some tests?"
"Yes ma'am. But what would happen after that?" the little girl asked.
"Well, if you do very well on the tests, you'll get to leave class twice a week and go to a special class with the other Gifted students."
The little girl squinted skeptically at the counselor. "Will my mom have to pay extra for this? Because I'm on reduced lunch and I don't think she has the money for that."
"No, sweetie. You're mom won't have to pay anything. You'll have Gifted class in the Library and you'll get to learn languages, and play something we call The Student Stock Market Challenge. There will be some extra work involved, but I really think it'll be fun for you."
The little girl suddenly felt reassured and excited. "Okay! I'll do it."
"That's what I like to hear. I'm going to send this letter home with you to give to your mom to sign. You tell her if she has any questions, she can give me a call here at the school. And I want you to keep up the good work in Mrs. Mobley's class, alright?"
"Yes ma'am."
Over the next month, the little girl went through a series of tests with different counselors. She had to put together puzzles while they timed her. They showed her pictures of people and places from all over the world and asked her to identify them. She did math problems, and word scrambles, and even foreign language tests. She did remarkably well on the exams. She remembered the surprised expressions of the counselors when she knew things they didn't expect her to know-like when she identified a picture of Einstein and The Great Wall of China, and music by Mozart. Three other children in her class were tested, but she was the only one who got the letter saying she had been accepted into S.A.G.E.
And on this particular October morning, the little girl was set to start her first Gifted class and she was very happy. As the school doors opened, the little girl hiked her hand-me-down backpack up more securely on her tiny shoulders. One of her classmates, a pretty blonde haired girl named Joy, walked up next to her.
"Are you starting S.A.G.E today?" Joy asked.
The little girl wasn't sure what she should say. She knew Joy had been tested too. But after the first few days, the counselors stopped calling her out of class for the exams.
"Yes, I am. After lunch," the little girl said.
"Well my mommy told me that the only reason you made it in and I didn't is because you're black and they need to put black people in it."
The little girl felt a huge lump form in the back of her throat. Her stomach suddenly felt sick, and she didn't know why. Plus, she was confused. When she looked down at her arm, she didn't see brown skin like her mothers. And she didn't see the very fair skin of her father. She considered herself tan, not black or white. But inside of her she knew that Joy and Joy's mommy thought she was black. And to them, a black girl could not get into S.A.G.E. by excelling at the tests. The little girl KNEW that she had done well on the tests. In fact, they were all easy and fun for her. And the little girl also knew from that moment forward, she would have to prove herself to people like Joy and Joy's mommy. People who don't believe that a little girl with kinky hair and light skin who wears hand-me-down clothes could ever possibly be smart enough to get into the Gifted program.
That little girl was me. And that moment in October standing outside of Benner Elementary School changed the course of my life forever. In that moment, I got a very real lesson about race and identity. At the time it really hurt me. But now I'm grateful for that moment. Because it is the memory of that moment that has driven me to prove people wrong everyday of my life. It is what drove me through long, late nights of studying for exams in college when I was exhausted after waiting tables. It is what drove me to follow my dream and move to Los Angeles after I graduated. It is what drove me to endure painful remarks from my boyfriend's family because I was not white enough for their son. It is what drives me when I step into every audition and onto every set. It is what drives me to write this blog. Because that October morning, I knew that I WAS good enough. And I still am.
~SKM
0 comments:
Post a Comment